Ever since I decided that writing about horses is what I want to do, I have been unable to see clearly how this applies to my life experiences. I am starting to see that my horse world is where my ego rears her head in desire, rather than where my spirit soars. If what I really want is to show how the animals teach us to be the spiritual leaders of our own internal world, I need to be experiencing that myself. And yet, I'm not so sure that I do. Perhaps it is the desert that consumes me, asking me to give up my dreams. To discount them as petty, silly or wrong. But how can one's dreams be any of these? They simply are what they are. If by following them, I find that they are no longer what I desire, then I can change routes. But until that is the case, I shall commit to myself to ideas that call to me. And trust myself in the process.

Never mentioning where I am in the horse purchasing arena. I fell more and more in love with Cruiser. I remembered more the moments that were perfectly in harmony, and less the ones there were not. I remembered the sweet moment when he placed his nose at my chest to let me know he was fond of my heart. And I fell harder with each memory.

Then I received the email saying Kim got an offer on him, and I was terribly upset. Not so much because he was being sold, but because I did not feel that I had done enough to prove to the Gods that I did say yes. Although I said yes with some contingents, mainly that he be sound. I felt like I was sitting back and waiting for it to all happen for me. I felt the universe request that I move forward with what I wanted, but didn't know how to do that. So I waited for things to fall into place. It as this that made me feel such a strong sense of distress when he was supposedly sold. I acted on that distress, calling and emailing Kim. She said she would give me first right of refusal. I could come again and video tape it. I was going to move forward, but did need to have a vet check. And then she cancelled again. This time I could accept that it was the universe taking care of me, not me being complacent. And that I can accept. I do want the best for Cruiser, and if that means he go to someone else, so be it. I trust the way the world works, but only when I am fully participating in it as well.

Life is funny, isn't it? I am practicing believing in myself to fulfill my dreams. Figuring out what that means to me, is the hardest part. What do I want in life? in a horse? in my life's work? All answers that should be easily found in one's heart, or so it seems. I am not finding them clearly. I know that I want a horse. One that is sound/sane/athletic/willing/happy/beautiful/tall. Is that being too narrow? I would like to write inspirational stories or thoughts in regards to my experiences, as a way to benefit the whole through my experiencing that which I love. Perhaps because I want this badly, when I go to write about my experiences with the horses in my life, it comes out flat. There is no depth. So I ask myself, is this desire to write simply an ego request to find it's way into the world?

A Course in Miracles says "Those who are certain of the outocme can afford to wait and without anxiety." When I step back and sit in certainty that I will fulfill the role for which I was born, I am okay with that. But there is a part of me that at least would like to know I am working towards that role. I know that the one thing I love to do without end is learn about horses. And to learn about spirituality. More than anything, I would like to combine the two so that I can inspire others to feel the God force within themselves by hearing about my life learnings through horses. And so I trust that the Universe will provide for me the circumstances to fulfill this desire. If it does not, my role to inspire will need to come through other means. But in the mean time I need to write. I need to put together my spirituality in the role that horses already play in my life. And I need to send those writings in to places that will enjoy them....

What a roller coaster ride it is, looking for a horse. I did go see Cruiser, and he looked nothing like his photos. But the more time I spent with him, and especially after I left, the more I felt him going deeper into my heart. I've been waiting to see a video tape of him and his rider, when suddenly (or so it seemed to me) she writes saying that she has had an offer and good luck in my search. I am sure that it seemed like I was an unlikely buyer, because I was dragging my heels and asking for a lot. Video tapes, pre-purchase exam etc... I need it all. I've been trying hard to allow the Universe to tell me what it would like me to do, but when the girl said she took the offer, I couldn't stop crying. And so it is that she said I could come again and video it, but she needs to know the very next day. I felt such remorse when he was not an option for me. And I question tis desire now. How much is stemming simply from not being given the option to decide on my own? Or how much is it the universe asking me to make up my own mind, act on my own desires, listen to my own heart.

And so I go tomorrow to see if Cruiser and I are a team. He does seem perfect for me. Sensitive, but trusting. Big and floating. Handsome, but humble. But I do ask for the Universe's help to tell me if he is all that I see from here. Or am I making him into something more than he is. And so it goes, the never ending cycle of analysis goes running through my head. Doubt/certainty/doubt again. I instead choose to live in trust of what takes place. I will not force the situation. I do not know for sure he was the horse that stated he was "waiting for me." I ask of you Great Spirit, to give me another sign tomorrow. Cruiser, if it is you that has been waiting for us to team up, please place your head at my heart and flow your love to me.

Moments ago, the full knowing reached my bones that I have put in my request for my dream horse, it is now time for the horse to find me. And when we come face to face, he/she will have to let me know it is it. And I trust this to be the way it goes. I will see Cruiser tomorrow, who seems to be my personal dream horse. If he wants to be with me, he must let me know that. If he doesn't, I will have to trust that as well.

My thoughts are somewhat obsessed with the quest for a horse of my own. I recently picked up a small cold, that has stuffed up my nasal passages. Today a rare appearance of a Grackle took place at our feeder. Two signs that I am holding on to emotions, allowing them to congest my life. Or supposedly a refusal to deal with certain long-standing problems and issues. So in the search for a horse of my own, have I been neglecting the very things that support me. My business, my writing, my relationships to the horses whom I already love? I now decide that I will go see Cruiser on Weds. and perhaps Geronimo, but if neither is my dream horse, the one without I can not live joyfully, then I will carry on with my life horseless. Perhaps lease someone, perhaps just take lessons. I will trust the unseen world to take care of it all for me. Not so that I remain apathatic, but so my actions are directed by what is actually happening moment by moment. I will feel my fears when they surface, and move through them when necessary. I will also allow for the great joy of finding the right horse, or rejoice in not compromising for an almost right horse.

Originally when I started this blog, it was for me to talk about how different things helped my riding. As a natural analytical or contemplative, I figured it would be a great deal about my philosophical thoughts. But it really hasn't turned out that way, has it? I am not even really riding much these days. Probably only a couple days a week. But I continue to look at horses, wondering how I can make that happen.

I have found a couple horses that I really like. One is local and a really cute 15.3 TB. The other is a 17h TB that seems to be consuming my mind. He photos are beautiful, his gaits sound perfect, and he is somewhat in my price range. The only drawback is twofold. 1. he is 4 hours away, so trialing and trailering will be expensive and time consuming. 2. he is 15 years old. Now the later isn't horrible, but I had begun having visions of having a young horse to train and maybe resell. At 15, he is probably mine for the remainder of his life. But if he's perfect, why would that matter? So I have set up a time to go see him next Weds. and am thrilled and nervous. Why is it that when we reach that point in life that seems to be exactly what we were looking for, it is scarey? I almost want to hold off from it. But I don't really, as I believe horse ownership will only bring me closer to my highest power. Once acheived, there will be nothing that I can not do (exept physical, scarey things like sailing across the ocean alone.) But I trust the life that is waiting for me, and I am willing to step outside of my comfort zone to acheive dreams. And I plan on taking you along.

What I have forgotten over the last couple weeks, while obsessing over obtaining my own horse, is that the dream I had stated "I am waiting for you." I have forgotten to trust those words, assuming that I had to go out there and make my horse relationship happen. Yet, at the same time, I am a true believer that we are only given dreams that we are able to accomplish and achieve. Not by forcing it, but by allowing it to find us. My dream is to find my horse companion, with whom I can both learn and teach. With whom I can grow and share. And to write about this relationship.

My mind has been in control saying that I do not have the finances to find such a partnership and then maintain it. And that may be right, but I will trust my heart in conjunction with my head. And my heart says it's time. The money will work out when the right situation shows up. It is time for me to remain brave and full of that force that overtakes my ego at times. We often confuse the ego as the part of us that wants to go out there and prove how great we are. Well, my ego does just the opposite, it goes out there to prove how human it is, how flawed, how silly, etc.... It's time for me to fully live in the part of me that is larger than that. And record the ride along the way.

The call has sounded. It's time for me to find my own horse. This is not really a new calling to hear, but it's getting louder and actually a bit obsessive. With the little budget I have, and the exquisite taste that accompanies it, the search is not an easy one. I have looked at many horses without my trainers, as I know what I want. I figure if I find it, I can ask their opinion then. I get somewhat dreamy about certain horses, then meet them and they have nothing about them resembling the being that I created. I have noticed also, how different photos can make a horse look. Those with wimpy necks look full in a photo. Or you take off the saddle to find a sway back. Granted, I may be seeking the confirmation of a $30,000 for $1,000 and hence the reason for my surprise when they turn out to actually be worth only $1,000.

It is time for me to step back and trust the perfect situation to be presented. I see the search for a horse as similar to the search for a mate, I would not compromise on that front, I will not compromise on the horse. I have to believe that because I am being given this desire, there is a means to fulfill it.