It's been awhile since I recognized in myself a tendency to quicken my actions when I feel uncertain about whether I can do what I am trying to do or not. Why then, did it take me this long to recognize the same personality trait in Tom? It is for this reason he was so fast there at Quiet Run. He wasn't sure of himself, or of what we were going to expect of him under saddle. So he sped things up. Hurried through the tasks

Now that he understands, it's just the opposite. Although now I also think there may be a saddle fitting problem. A sore back or something. I read a lot about both these topics, so I want to make sure to get it right. I also want to make sure that Tom is comfortable. And so goes the never ending cycle.

My back has been hurting me, right where it seems to correlate to his withers. Do his withers hurt? Should I have work done? Should I get a new saddle first? The questions are endless. And perhaps unanswerable as well.

It seems in life, I have reached an age—a stage—where I have gathered enough understanding, enough information, to move forward in my own design. It's time to begin to use that knowledge along with my own inner compulsions to move in the flow of life—my life. This transition is not easy to follow through with, as it takes a huge amount of commitment and awareness. The gathering of information has become a habit, as well as a state of mind.

As one who was born with the self-doubt gene, I find it challenging to stay clear, concise, consistent and confident. All characteristics of a good horseman. Through a lack of these characteristics, I look elsewhere for answers. And just as I know it's time to look inside b/c I have enough knowledge to pull from, I don't really know what that means. How do I follow that? How do I live out my inner speaking? Living outwardly my inner world? How do I accept the fact that I already am doing so? By being aware. Aware of my emotions, of my actions, of when I am working on rote and when I am actually in my body living from authenticity?

What I will do first with Tom is to be REALLY aware of the subtle exchanges that are taking place between us. Not just through the lens of what someone else has told me such behavior means. But also through the feeling I get from the bahavior. I am, along with Tom, very sensitive. I tend to disregard the benefits of this characteristic, and instead simply use it in order to "fit in" in different situations. It's time to use it for other reasons, and to trust it. As it has been a lifelong practice I have used and taken for granted.