One of my mild obsessions is books. I love them and the information they share. This has been the case for as long as I can remmeber. In elementary school it was the Weekly Reader, the book mobile and the Scholastic book catalog (which I think had an actual name that I have since forgotten) that brought me the greatest joy and comfort. In reading I look to find answers for how to _____. Some examples of how I fill in that blank are ... live life in the flow, trust my intuition and see the symbolic meaning of life's circumstances. The how-to that has me hooked currently is training horses. And the ones that really get my interest are those that explain methods to create better relationships with our horse. Every time I see the description of such a book, it feels as though that it is the one which will turn my life around—will create such a bond between me and Tom that we are able to do just about anything together. And so I buy it.

Once I own the 'miracle' book, it often becomes clear that it doesn't actually have new information. Instead it is a compilation of different words this particular trainer has put together to explain their methods. Which underneath the words is often the same method as the last author's book.

I have a very good relationship with my husband and dog. I do not feel a need to read books on how to interact with them, I feel it out and correct where necessary. I am lucky to have both a husband and a dog that are willing partners in creating harmonious relations based on equality. So why is it, I wonder, that I feel a need for another person's ideas to create the same kind of relationship with my horse? (Who, by the way, also happens to be looking for a fair and authentic partner to create a loving relationship with. I know that about him in my bones and is exactly why I said yes to begin our journey together.) The answer lies in a lack of trust in myself coupled with an ego-based desire to do it right.

When I recognized that I needed to find my own way based on my internal workings, I got annoyed at myself for having wasted money on so many books. But the truth is, we need to read (or listen) to other people's ideas in order to come up with our own. I will never abolish my love of books and information. However, what I need to remember is that it is not the books that make the partnership. It's my actual interactions with Tom, both positive and negative that create the relationship. Reading the book is the easy part, then it takes constant practice in awareness, consiousness and follow through to manifest thoughts into actions.

As I do after many riding lessons, today I sat down to really think about what I was being taught or reminded of. The word that came up is TRUST. Tom is a very trustworthy behaviorally, so it is not that kind of trust that I am referring to.

My horse, Tom, and I are currently at a trainer's barn working on softness. As an ex-racehorse it would seem that this would be difficult for Tom. The truth is, however, that he can be soft very easily. But he will do so only when the rider consistently gives a release for being there, and that is where trust comes in. I have a tendency to hang on to his mouth, in hopes of keeping him right where I want him. And where I want him is where I think my trainer wants him (which is another story about trust.) If I could allow myself to trust that Tom will comply with my requests, simply because I have requested him to do so, there would be no need to force him to stay where I want him. This lack of trust in Tom, translates to other areas of my life as well. Fear (perhaps not the right word) of stating what I truly want has haunted me for as long as I can remember. I would rather not ask, then be disappointed in not receiving. And yet, because I was in a lesson today, I did ask for what I wanted, but out of a lack of trust was not able to step out of the way to receive the answer. Which then causes me to hold on to his mouth, which in turn creates a hardness instead of the softness we're both searching for.

Trust is an odd thing to acquire, because you have to earn it even with yourself. Yet, you also have to have it before you can actually know it. And in my opinion at this time, it's one of the things some of us our here on earth to learn. Have you found trust in your horse? Are you willing to step back after you ask for what you want, allowing it to come your way rather than forcing it. Our horses can be our teachers in so many ways, are you willing to be a student?

There are many horse trainers that have said horse training is about working on the human rather than the horse. Even so, they rarely explain how or what you really need to work on for yourself. My intention is to address the personal characteristics that help the human in relationship to their horse.

I decided to first handle the term leader. There are 12 different definitions for this frequently used term. And I believe that there are 10000 more interpretations of the term among horsemen. The three definitions that apply to this commentary are "1). One that leads or guides 2) One in charge or in command of others 3b) One who has influence or power." The word lead has even more definitions, and it is helpful to read a few of them. "1) To show the way by going in advance 4) To guide the action or opinion of 5) To direct the performance or activites of."

No where in those definitions, including the ones I didn't list, is there mention of anything about a leader controlling those whom it leads. Yet many of us as the leader of our two member herd believe (or at least act it out even if it isn't a conscious belief) that the way to lead is by controlling our horse. This is the case because many of us confuse the role of leader with the role of a boss. So that when we practice the art of being the leader, they boss their horse around—forcing them through devices of tack. Or on the other hand they will allow their horse rule the herd as a way of avoiding being the disciplinarian, often because that feels like risking the horses love. Neither option is what the true horeman would advocate for.

What I ask here, is that you begin to pay attention to how you really interact with your horse? Do you say what you mean and mean what you say—backing up every request with an action? Do you feel anger towards your horse if it shows any sign of disobedience? Or frustration when s/he asks you if it's okay to do something different than what you suggested? When you are delivering an aide, do you do it in such a manner that it can be interpreted as a request or a demand? Do you allow for your horse to state his or her own opinion? Or have some time every day where you two simply exist together rather than working on something? There are so many more questions to ask. What I am wanting is for you to become observant of yourself. That will begin the road to leadership through awareness. And that is the true characteristic needed for becoming an outstanding horseman. Safe trails.