My best horse friend's name is Bastiaan. Although he is one of my favorite beings, I do not have ownership over him. It is an interesting observation to see my emotions with an animal I do not pay the bills for. I love this horse more than I can actually write about, and usually even more than I allow myself to feel. When I do allow the feelings to flow through me, it is overwhelming. And this is in part because I know how much he feels for me in return. He doesn't know that I don't pay his bills. What he knows is that I go into his stall with an open understanding of what he wants and needs.

A couple months ago, I decided to half lease Mia as I've mentioned in a previous post. As soon as I decided this, I became so sad around Bastiaan. I would go into his stall and feel such sadness that I could not stop crying. It's as though my decision effected him on a very deep level, which was being shared with me by the strong emotions I was having. Prior to my decision about Mia, he had been the closest to sound than he had in a long time. Then days later, he went the most lame he had ever been.

Now, instead of feeling like I know what he wants, I feel too emotionally involved. He does enjoy going out every morning, but a part of his spirit is disappearing. And I can not get it out of my head and heart that this is a reflection of my decision to half lease someone else. And this hurts me so much. And it was because I wanted to improve my riding, which I felt he had 1. Already helped me to do 2. Was tired of working for humans. But now it feels as though he would have done it for me. And now he would rather move on into the spirit world. I would be okay with this transition, if I felt that I had given him my all. And that I do not feel, strictly because of my choice to lease Mia. Mia has been lame more than half of the time since I first rode her. We kept thinking it was resolved and yet it hasn't. So now, I pay half her bills in order to take care of her. If this was my goal, I would rather be paying for Bastiaan. And so goes my endless cycle.

While searching for a horse of my own, I look for someone that touches my soul the way that Bastiaan does. I am beginning to realize that this may never come up again. And that I let go of a deep relationship (finacially, as well as somewhere in Bastiaan) for the sake of getting in a good ride. And this makes makes me sad. It also shows me that I will not be able to improve my riding until I recognize the greater value of building a relationship through thick and thin. This may be pouring it on a little thick right now, as it is late at night for me. However, I have had this bubbling up to the surface and it's time for me to recognize it. Feel the sorrow. And then to move on. Not disregard the emotions and circumstances, but to see it for what it is—an opportunity to love fully. And a chance to redeem any poor choices made on my part.

One of the ways in which we experience the life force is through breathing. Pay attention to your breath right now. Start describing it to yourself—speed, location, depth. Mine is often somewhat short or quick, but I do bring it down into my diaphragm rather than the lungs only. When riding, my breath gets even shorter and probably more shallow. This tells me that I am blocking the opportunity to fully bring in my own life force. How then can I wonder why I am not riding as well as I believe possible? Perhaps the greatest gift I can give my horse friends is to fully bring in the life force, breath, deep into my core and allow for it nourish us both.

Horses are both rewarding and frustrating. I try to remain open to the feelings of the horse. And in so doing, find myself barely riding for fear of hurting them. On the one hand, I can understand how hard it must be to carry humans around on your back every day. As I have back problems from carrying a purse around every day. And when that purse's weight is unevenly distributed, it is all the more uncomfortable. My husband mentioned the other day, after hearing about a woman falling off and feeling down about her riding, that horseback riding seems to be bad for self confidence levels. "Perhaps not when you are learning as a child. But for you adults." And I do wonder about the truth in that. A good friend of mine used to ride for fun, without taking lessons. I mentioned how in a way I was envious, as I get so down on myself after a lesson. All you hear are the negative things you do, so as to get yourself out of the habit of doing them. She is now taking lessons and falling into the "I suck at riding" mind trap. And so it is that I try to find methods that will improve my riding. A new saddle perhaps, a new pad, a book that will explain. And yet, the more I think and ruminate over it, the more aware of my bad habits I become. Not allowing me to overcome the ineffective riding, but stuck in it. As I write four baby red squirrels sit under my bird feeder. So small and cute, tense about every little noise as it is all new to them. Squirrels are often finding nourishment and hiding it for an appropriate time, when needed. And so it is for my riding skills. I gather all this information and hide it until it is time for it to flourish. Perhaps it will later become a meal to eat. Or the growth of a new oak tree.

Horses are both rewarding and frustrating. I try to remain open to the feelings of the horse. And in so doing, find myself barely riding for fear of hurting them. On the one hand, I can understand how hard it must be to carry humans around on your back every day. As I have back problems from carrying a purse around every day. And when that purse's weight is unevenly distributed, it is all the more uncomfortable. My husband mentioned the other day, after hearing about a woman falling off and feeling down about her riding, that horseback riding seems to be bad for self confidence levels. "Perhaps not when you are learning as a child. But for you adults." And I do wonder about the truth in that. A good friend of mine used to ride for fun, without taking lessons. I mentioned how in a way I was envious, as I get so down on myself after a lesson. All you hear are the negative things you do, so as to get yourself out of the habit of doing them. She is now taking lessons and falling into the "I suck at riding" mind trap. And so it is that I try to find methods that will improve my riding. A new saddle perhaps, a new pad, a book that will explain. And yet, the more I think and ruminate over it, the more aware of my bad habits I become. Not allowing me to overcome the ineffective riding, but stuck in it. As I write four baby red squirrels sit under my bird feeder. So small and cute, tense about every little noise as it is all new to them. Squirrels are often finding nourishment and hiding it for an appropriate time, when needed. And so it is for my riding skills. I gather all this information and hide it until it is time for it to flourish. Perhaps it will later become a meal to eat. Or the growth of a new oak tree.

Horses are both rewarding and frustrating. I try to remain open to the feelings of the horse. And in so doing, find myself barely riding for fear of hurting them. On the one hand, I can understand how hard it must be to carry humans around on your back every day. As I have back problems from carrying a purse around every day. And when that purse's weight is unevenly distributed, it is all the more uncomfortable. My husband mentioned the other day, after hearing about a woman falling off and feeling down about her riding, that horseback riding seems to be bad for self confidence levels. "Perhaps not when you are learning as a child. But for you adults." And I do wonder about the truth in that. A good friend of mine used to ride for fun, without taking lessons. I mentioned how in a way I was envious, as I get so down on myself after a lesson. All you hear are the negative things you do, so as to get yourself out of the habit of doing them. She is now taking lessons and falling into the "I suck at riding" mind trap. And so it is that I try to find methods that will improve my riding. A new saddle perhaps, a new pad, a book that will explain. And yet, the more I think and ruminate over it, the more aware of my bad habits I become. Not allowing me to overcome the ineffective riding, but stuck in it. As I write four baby red squirrels sit under my bird feeder. So small and cute, tense about every little noise as it is all new to them. Squirrels are often finding nourishment and hiding it for an appropriate time, when needed. And so it is for my riding skills. I gather all this information and hide it until it is time for it to flourish. Perhaps it will later become a meal to eat. Or the growth of a new oak tree.

Horses are both rewarding and frustrating. I try to remain open to the feelings of the horse. And in so doing, find myself barely riding for fear of hurting them. On the one hand, I can understand how hard it must be to carry humans around on your back every day. As I have back problems from carrying a purse around every day. And when that purse's weight is unevenly distributed, it is all the more uncomfortable. My husband mentioned the other day, after hearing about a woman falling off and feeling down about her riding, that horseback riding seems to be bad for self confidence levels. "Perhaps not when you are learning as a child. But for you adults." And I do wonder about the truth in that. A good friend of mine used to ride for fun, without taking lessons. I mentioned how in a way I was envious, as I get so down on myself after a lesson. All you hear are the negative things you do, so as to get yourself out of the habit of doing them. She is now taking lessons and falling into the "I suck at riding" mind trap. And so it is that I try to find methods that will improve my riding. A new saddle perhaps, a new pad, a book that will explain. And yet, the more I think and ruminate over it, the more aware of my bad habits I become. Not allowing me to overcome the ineffective riding, but stuck in it. As I write four baby red squirrels sit under my bird feeder. So small and cute, tense about every little noise as it is all new to them. Squirrels are often finding nourishment and hiding it for an appropriate time, when needed. And so it is for my riding skills. I gather all this information and hide it until it is time for it to flourish. Perhaps it will later become a meal to eat. Or the growth of a new oak tree.

Horses are both rewarding and frustrating. I try to remain open to the feelings of the horse. And in so doing, find myself barely riding for fear of hurting them. On the one hand, I can understand how hard it must be to carry humans around on your back every day. As I have back problems from carrying a purse around every day. And when that purse's weight is unevenly distributed, it is all the more uncomfortable. My husband mentioned the other day, after hearing about a woman falling off and feeling down about her riding, that horseback riding seems to be bad for self confidence levels. "Perhaps not when you are learning as a child. But for you adults." And I do wonder about the truth in that. A good friend of mine used to ride for fun, without taking lessons. I mentioned how in a way I was envious, as I get so down on myself after a lesson. All you hear are the negative things you do, so as to get yourself out of the habit of doing them. She is now taking lessons and falling into the "I suck at riding" mind trap. And so it is that I try to find methods that will improve my riding. A new saddle perhaps, a new pad, a book that will explain. And yet, the more I think and ruminate over it, the more aware of my bad habits I become. Not allowing me to overcome the ineffective riding, but stuck in it. As I write four baby red squirrels sit under my bird feeder. So small and cute, tense about every little noise as it is all new to them. Squirrels are often finding nourishment and hiding it for an appropriate time, when needed. And so it is for my riding skills. I gather all this information and hide it until it is time for it to flourish. Perhaps it will later become a meal to eat. Or the growth of a new oak tree.