It's been since 2008, since I wrote here. And truth be told, I didn't even remember that I had written as much as I did previously. I'd like to upstart this blog again. Although I don't only want to talk about riding, so I'm not sure about the "How it Helped My Riding" anymore. Except that a lot of people may want to know that about any relationship question with their horse. hmmm.... something to contemplate. My favorite activity–CONTEMPLATION.

It seems that I have come to another crossroads, and what I will do is still up in the air. Tom and I moved to our current barn three months ago. And since we arrived, I have not enjoyed being there. I enjoy Tom and the many hours we have spent alone there. But maybe it's the feng shui of the place, it just doesn't feel right. And yet, I chose to go there because of words I heard one night while half sleeping. Why would following such advice end me somewhere I don't enjoy? Perhaps because it has led to one of the choices I now have available to us. I know I am going to move Tom again. The question is, where. To a friend's where Tom would have a more natural lifestyle and the people surrounding us would be interested in supporting our interest in growing spiritually together? Or to a show barn where there are lessons and training ongoing? Where I would be able to feel like I am the one with the spiritual thing down. Seems obvious which choice to make now. But the truth is, it is a choice of what kind of life I want to follow.

A question that runs through many of our horse-loving heads is how to marry our love of horses with bringing in money to pay our bills. I find myself attemting to do it while sharing my spiritual experiences and learnings through way of the horse. Specifically through my handsome OTTB, Tom's Thunder. I wish I had the answer to how to do such a thing in a way other than what's already been done? I dream of moving forward through life, only when I already have the answers. But that isn't the way life is set up, at least not my life.

This not knowing is another arena in which I am able to practice the fine art of taking action and leadership, without being controlling. The first place to start said practice is with use of the reins while riding a horse. My hands usually either give Tom his entire head, providing little guidance. Or take such a tight hold that Tom gets frustrated and upset, because he is unable to find his own way. There has to be a balance—one where I guide Tom's movement, allowing him to use his body most effeciently. An interesting thing to me is how easy it is for me to take what comes my way. What gets me in trouble is when I want something specific. For instance wanting Tom to move correctly. That is where I feel there is no room for allowing, one must make it happen. I know intellectually that this is ridiculous, yet my actions and energy prove that I feel that this is true.

I will take on this challenge of desire and control. I will use my experiences with my horse as training ground for myself. And along the way, I will be thankful for the grace that touches my life through these experiences. I will then share those insights with you, and either allow for it to bring money into my life or not.

It's been awhile since I recognized in myself a tendency to quicken my actions when I feel uncertain about whether I can do what I am trying to do or not. Why then, did it take me this long to recognize the same personality trait in Tom? It is for this reason he was so fast there at Quiet Run. He wasn't sure of himself, or of what we were going to expect of him under saddle. So he sped things up. Hurried through the tasks

Now that he understands, it's just the opposite. Although now I also think there may be a saddle fitting problem. A sore back or something. I read a lot about both these topics, so I want to make sure to get it right. I also want to make sure that Tom is comfortable. And so goes the never ending cycle.

My back has been hurting me, right where it seems to correlate to his withers. Do his withers hurt? Should I have work done? Should I get a new saddle first? The questions are endless. And perhaps unanswerable as well.

It seems in life, I have reached an age—a stage—where I have gathered enough understanding, enough information, to move forward in my own design. It's time to begin to use that knowledge along with my own inner compulsions to move in the flow of life—my life. This transition is not easy to follow through with, as it takes a huge amount of commitment and awareness. The gathering of information has become a habit, as well as a state of mind.

As one who was born with the self-doubt gene, I find it challenging to stay clear, concise, consistent and confident. All characteristics of a good horseman. Through a lack of these characteristics, I look elsewhere for answers. And just as I know it's time to look inside b/c I have enough knowledge to pull from, I don't really know what that means. How do I follow that? How do I live out my inner speaking? Living outwardly my inner world? How do I accept the fact that I already am doing so? By being aware. Aware of my emotions, of my actions, of when I am working on rote and when I am actually in my body living from authenticity?

What I will do first with Tom is to be REALLY aware of the subtle exchanges that are taking place between us. Not just through the lens of what someone else has told me such behavior means. But also through the feeling I get from the bahavior. I am, along with Tom, very sensitive. I tend to disregard the benefits of this characteristic, and instead simply use it in order to "fit in" in different situations. It's time to use it for other reasons, and to trust it. As it has been a lifelong practice I have used and taken for granted.

One of my mild obsessions is books. I love them and the information they share. This has been the case for as long as I can remmeber. In elementary school it was the Weekly Reader, the book mobile and the Scholastic book catalog (which I think had an actual name that I have since forgotten) that brought me the greatest joy and comfort. In reading I look to find answers for how to _____. Some examples of how I fill in that blank are ... live life in the flow, trust my intuition and see the symbolic meaning of life's circumstances. The how-to that has me hooked currently is training horses. And the ones that really get my interest are those that explain methods to create better relationships with our horse. Every time I see the description of such a book, it feels as though that it is the one which will turn my life around—will create such a bond between me and Tom that we are able to do just about anything together. And so I buy it.

Once I own the 'miracle' book, it often becomes clear that it doesn't actually have new information. Instead it is a compilation of different words this particular trainer has put together to explain their methods. Which underneath the words is often the same method as the last author's book.

I have a very good relationship with my husband and dog. I do not feel a need to read books on how to interact with them, I feel it out and correct where necessary. I am lucky to have both a husband and a dog that are willing partners in creating harmonious relations based on equality. So why is it, I wonder, that I feel a need for another person's ideas to create the same kind of relationship with my horse? (Who, by the way, also happens to be looking for a fair and authentic partner to create a loving relationship with. I know that about him in my bones and is exactly why I said yes to begin our journey together.) The answer lies in a lack of trust in myself coupled with an ego-based desire to do it right.

When I recognized that I needed to find my own way based on my internal workings, I got annoyed at myself for having wasted money on so many books. But the truth is, we need to read (or listen) to other people's ideas in order to come up with our own. I will never abolish my love of books and information. However, what I need to remember is that it is not the books that make the partnership. It's my actual interactions with Tom, both positive and negative that create the relationship. Reading the book is the easy part, then it takes constant practice in awareness, consiousness and follow through to manifest thoughts into actions.

As I do after many riding lessons, today I sat down to really think about what I was being taught or reminded of. The word that came up is TRUST. Tom is a very trustworthy behaviorally, so it is not that kind of trust that I am referring to.

My horse, Tom, and I are currently at a trainer's barn working on softness. As an ex-racehorse it would seem that this would be difficult for Tom. The truth is, however, that he can be soft very easily. But he will do so only when the rider consistently gives a release for being there, and that is where trust comes in. I have a tendency to hang on to his mouth, in hopes of keeping him right where I want him. And where I want him is where I think my trainer wants him (which is another story about trust.) If I could allow myself to trust that Tom will comply with my requests, simply because I have requested him to do so, there would be no need to force him to stay where I want him. This lack of trust in Tom, translates to other areas of my life as well. Fear (perhaps not the right word) of stating what I truly want has haunted me for as long as I can remember. I would rather not ask, then be disappointed in not receiving. And yet, because I was in a lesson today, I did ask for what I wanted, but out of a lack of trust was not able to step out of the way to receive the answer. Which then causes me to hold on to his mouth, which in turn creates a hardness instead of the softness we're both searching for.

Trust is an odd thing to acquire, because you have to earn it even with yourself. Yet, you also have to have it before you can actually know it. And in my opinion at this time, it's one of the things some of us our here on earth to learn. Have you found trust in your horse? Are you willing to step back after you ask for what you want, allowing it to come your way rather than forcing it. Our horses can be our teachers in so many ways, are you willing to be a student?