It's been awhile since I wrote, and in that time my good friend Bastiaan passed away. I miss him but feel pretty close to him regardless. For weeks leading up to his death, I had been feeling so sad without explanation. Then I found out why. I now believe he was energetically removing himself from my field. That sounds crazy to write it, but inside it sounds totally normal. I have written the following for my print publication.

It has been a whole year since our dog, Tug, passed away. This year, as the same seasons shifted, I was again confronted with a situation that tore open my heart. This time it was a horse moving on to the spirit world. I have been searching for a horse of my own, so that the blow of losing Bastiaan to this world would be less. But, regardless of hearing and sensing that the time is right, the horse of my dreams has not yet shown up. Perhaps this is because I have really been looking for Bastiaan, and he is simply one of a kind. So it was, that I sat in anguish as the horse I love more than all others, prepared to move on. One whom I would go to to be in the presence of my true self, as he was always in his.

The things I learned from Bastiaan are plenty. A good portion of which are about riding, as he was far more knowledgeable than I. However, outside the ring he taught me much as well. One major gift is the ability to give and receive love freely, without having ownership over the other. I was never Bastiaan’s owner, I did not pay his bills, nor make decisions regarding his well-being. We simply spent a lot of time together. And man, do I love that horse, he is a true friend. There have been times when I am sitting far from the barn, doing nothing pertaining to horses, and waves of intense emotion have washed through me. Along with a knowing that they were tied to Bastiaan. Were the feelings mine for him, or his for me? Who knows, who cares? I simply relished in those waves, knowing that I became a larger being for having allowed them to envelope me. Even so, the lack of ownership tempted me at times, to prove to others how deep our relationship flows. Then my inner wisdom kicks in to remind me that the deepness is for me to realize and experience, regardless of whether others can see it or not.

The very morning of Bastiaan’s passing, I received an email about a horse that is looking for a new career and owner. I have gone to meet this horse, and he is a joy to be around. Will we become partners? I do not yet know. I will be pursuing it further, which gives me hope. Proving once again, that the close of one door—no matter how sad—often leads to an opening of another. We can choose to remain stuck in the sadness of the closing door, or open ourselves up to see a new one. Are you holding on to anything that needs to be released? For me, opening to new possibilities actually allowed me to feel closer to Bastiaan’s spirit, than to my sadness of his physical absence. Which do you choose to experience?

Living happily in both sadness and joy,